>> 31 Jan 2004


answer: YES!

Alleged humourist and Vichy Unionist supporter Newton Emerson uses his several media platforms to push his own ideas. Or so it seems. Certainly those esteemed organs of Irish nationalism at the Irish News and Irish Times just love our Newt, and offer him the run of their columns for his dazzling wit and repartee. So imagine my surprise to read in the IN on 22nd November a "satirical" dig at myself and a few other anti-Agreement unionists, care of Emerson Neutered. Fair enough. But what about a right of reply - or is it just one way traffic for the Irish News?

The following letter was sent to Noel Doran - I await evidence of publication. Let's see if the Irish News has any balls?

Dear Editor,

I have unearthed this remarkable letter today, written by the local unknown but nonetheless aspiring comedian, Emerson Neutered. It may warrant wider circulation?

Letters to the Editor,

The Newsletter,


Dear Sir,

As a truly original wit, I feel that your paper would benefit from having one more pro-Trimble lickspittle commentating on the big issue. (Or indeed any other publication..boom boom!) With Ulster Unionist fortunes on the way up after the terrific recent election results and with my vice-like grip of local political complexities, I feel I am just the man for the job. Anyone who has seen my side-splitting antics on television will instantly support my contention that there is nothing like cutting satire- and my work is indeed nothing like cutting satire.

With so very few pro-Agreement commentators writing in the local media, and with the vast-right wing anti-Agreement unionist conspiracy so powerful, I really think I have much to offer. It is so difficult for a pro-Agreement unionist to get into print and even trickier to be a regular columnist. Surely it is time that a “risk for appeasement” was taken by a progressive newspaper?

I can assure you that I will always toe the party line, never say anything that is vaguely controversial or indeed interesting, and promise always to be nice to my local MP, and personal hero, David Trimble.

Your Obedient Servant,

Emerson Neutered,

Age 13 3/4

Somewhere in the stars.

Sorry that should have gone to..

Letters to the Editor,

The Stage.

Yours Sincerely,

David Vance



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